The morning always feels like the best time of day. There’s so much energy of promise, hope and opportunity that’s floating in the air. Before I had my daughter, I would wake up--make my coffee and find my favorite spot in the house to just sit quietly. I’d hold my hot coffee cup in my hands and take a few deep breaths. My husband would be out of the house and gone for work already, and the house was mine (and the dog’s too). All human parts of me (mind + body) would find a way to creep in (worries, fears, anxieties forming into physical tension) but I’d find myself coming back to “my moment”, a place where I’d take one or two deep breaths and I’d imagine everything I could accomplish, all my insanely wild ideas and the insanity that is my ability to manifest some pretty crazy ass shit.
Other moms have told me they relish in the simple task of going to the bathroom alone. I no longer start my mornings with this same mindful sanity. I wake up to “oohs, ahhs, gurgles and giggles”, It’s my new alarm that you can’t shut off. It’s an alarm that tests my sanity, my strength, my compassion and continuously reminds me of a deeper connection to some of the even darker parts of myself. My mornings start with nursing my daughter (if she will…) followed by a 30 minute pumping session. I’ve calculated that I’ve spent a little over 15 days in total of my life just exclusively pumping breastmilk for my little one. My morning moments have quickly went from slow breaths and coffee to diaper changes, meltdowns and squirting breast milk.
I could go on about motherhood, I could go on about pumping/breastfeeding and the trials and tribulations of it all. And while all of that sounds intriguingly glamorous, that’s not why I’m writing today. These days I’m finding it much more challenging to have “my moment”. Ironically, I didn’t know before having a baby--that my previous “moments” were “my moments”. In fact, I took them for granted too often. This is not a regret but rather a simple truth.
I know that for so many of us we are searching. Constantly searching. I think we are searching for our moments. We are looking for “what’s next”, the fitness routine, the diet shake…. gluten free, carb free, spirit guides, healers, meditations etc. I mean, hell there’s even apps to meditate now. And while I’ve dabbled in all of it (I’ve recently had to go dairy free--story for another day) and I do respect all of these modalities that promote healing and wellness, I’ve been discovering that I’m over-stimulated and it got me thinking about my day to day. It got me thinking about simplicity and finding joy in small moments. I feel like we are searching for BIG JOYOUS moments and they are simply right in front of us all the time.
I truly believe that we can do better, myself included. We can honestly choose to enjoy the moment or we can go through it scattered, frazzled, pissed off and searching. I myself am often a searcher, “I can’t wait until this happens so that can happen” and then before I know it the moment is gone.
There are going to be things I don’t want to do, like deal with a screaming kid during her witching hour, answer emails in what is the infinite abyss of overflowing messages that I cannot keep up with, or make bottle after bottle after pumping for what is literally hours of my day but I know I’m going to look back on this time and see that even my stressed out and chaotic moments are pivotal moving pieces of my life because someday they will be gone. Simply gone.
Right now is fleeting. One could argue that we are dying every day and yet we are still waiting to live. So, in whatever “moment” you get for yourself today, see if you can lose the yearning to search for it and go be with it instead. Look right in front of you---utilize your local parks and recreational services for activity and exercise, take a hike (it’s FREE!), sit quietly and count your breaths, take a bubble bath (god bless you if you can do this) make a healthy meal or just stop, even if for a second and just be where you are, even if it’s not where you want and see how beautiful that is. As we are changing and evolving it's important to let go of the old stories of who we once were and then we learn to navigate in this "new body and mind".
I was chatting the other day with a friend and she asked me if I went to Yoga the week prior and I went to respond, “I didn’t have time” but then quickly fixed my response by saying, “I didn’t make time”. Because that’s the truth.
Consider the next time you’re about to say, “I didn’t have time” and think about what you are actually saying, most likely it wasn’t priority enough for it to happen. I think we need to choose to see our moments, to make time for them, to take them back and relish in even the small ones. Now if you don’t mind me, I’m probably off to pump as you’re reading this.
Take a Class!